Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Day 4: A letter to someone who has hurt me recently

I'm actually really reluctant to start this topic.
It has become a taboo subject for me.. This topic of who has recently hurt me.
And yet, in a way, I think its good that I start letting some of the pain I'm feeling out.
So I shall start. I don't think that person will ever read my blog again ever since that day.
But here goes nothing...

Dear you-know-who-you-are,

I think I have used almost all my strength to love and care for you. So it really does hurt me alot with the recent turn of events. I understand that I may not always be the best girl to give you that love and care but I promise that I will always be the one and only girl you can count on to be there for you when you need me. 

I know that I'm weak. In heart and in the way I'm towards everyone. 
I'm too kind-hearted and too timid to stand up for my own-self. But I desperately wish you will understand that its not cause I do not wish to go out with you. Its because of the way I'm brought up in my family.
I sometimes wish that I could be free to do the things I want to. Believe me I have always talked to my mum and dad about it and they will always say "when you're a little bit older". Now that I'm 18, I really am taking things into my hands.

However, you should give me some time. I know that you are currently having your holidays while my exams are coming at me with the speed of a bullet train. 
I try to spend any available minutes and seconds with you. I ask you out and all that. 
And yet, somehow, I end up being selfish.

And I quit tagged because I do not wish to see anything that will make me doubt you.
I stopped going to your facebook profile because I do not wish to be reminded of bad memories of you.
You see how much I'm struggling now.
I know you said that this thing is over already. But somehow, your words are still clear in my head. 

How your feelings has faded. I swear I couldn't be bothered with my life then and honestly, I refused to think about that day because I know I will start crying and I won't even stop at all. 
Maybe you're right about all the things you said about me.

But right now, even though everything seems ok, I'm dying underneath. 
Slowly but surely dying. I'm trying to suppress all the bad memories in this tiny little box and I wish you could take away the pain whenever I happen to think about you. 

Everywhere I look, there are tiny bits of you... Each memory of you. 
It hurts that I dunno what exactly are we now. Are we still together? Are we complicated? Or are we just being courteous to each other.. I desperately want to be ok again.
I desperately want us to be the way we were last time.

If time could turn back, I wish I done things differently. I wish I didn't had to do foolish things.

Please make me feel right again..Because it hurts. Deep inside. 
And you actually believe the fake smile that I plaster on my face to lie to you that I'm perfectly fine.....
Its ok... Because things have changed and I know it...

I'm sorry boy...But I love you.

With much love,
Amanda Misaki Sea

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