Tuesday, 10 April 2012

What really happened...

So some people, commented on the abrupt change of my boyfriend. First I was with Mr. K and then in a blink of an eye, I was with Sea Hum/Chubby cheeks. Some people might think that I moved on pretty fast and some people might think that I was the one who ended the relationship between me and Mr. K.
Maybe I lost some readers because of what happened cause humans pass inevitable judgement without knowing the full story.

So here I am, trying to clarify things.

Firstly, I broke up with Mr.K (full name Kaiwen but we shall call him kw for a nickname). And its not because of Jovin (aka Chubby cheeks) . It was never because of him. Kaiwen thought it was because of Jovin that I ended things between me and him and he said some nasty stuff to Jovin.

I will start off with the way Kaiwen treated me. Plainly saying, he is a jerk. He didn't put in any efforts in the relationship and yes, I was stupid enough to go back to him time and time again and wasting my time and effort on him even when I knew that the relationship we have couldn't amount to anything. I was obstinate and I so badly wanted to believe that he would change for the better. Become the ideal boyfriend or anything remotely close to it. So maybe some readers will go, "But its unfair to Mr. K that you went with Jovin just cause he didn't put in the effort in the relationship".
Here is how Kaiwen treated me. He took my money. Spend my money and everytime he treated me to a movie or anything, he will go "Oh. Sian. No more money already. Yay! *insert sarcastic happy face*" Now girls, how would you feel? Like as if he very buey gam wan (Not willing) to spend money on you right? So I return him the money for the treat and even gave him extra. All in all, I believed I spend and lend him roughly $200+. Every movie we watch together, usually I paid for the tickets. Eat? I also give the money. oh and is that wasn't enough, I actually gave him the money to top up his ezlink card so he can meet me -.-
How stupid is that? :>
Because of him, I rarely had enough for myself. Resorting to eating sandwiches and drinking plain water to make ends meet (I pay my own phone bills and everything). Like I said on twitter, I don't mind treating my boyfriend to movies or eat. But not all the time. Because I'm a compulsive shopper and because transportation, new clothes, phone bills, credit card bills all these, I have to pay on my own with the $400 allowance I have per month.

You would think that he would treat me better right? Well, every single time we talk through SMS, his replies would be one worded "K". "Orh". And when I use the same "K." "Orh" on him, he gets angry and starts scolding me telling me "How am I supposed to answer if you talk like that? might well dont talk" Yes, he types like this. We always get into quarrels then. Every single nice conversation we had would eventually be ruined by him. Either his temper would suddenly go south or his mum will scold him and he would take it out on me.
I hated the way he treat me. I hated the way he emotionally abused me like as if I couldn't feel the hurt. I hated the way I cried in school, hated skipping meals just cause of the arguments we had. I hated feeling unloved, neglected and generally being so sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't need a guy to survive but imagine if you have put in a 100% effort into a relationship and the person treats you like that? How would you feel then?

And all these I could endure. I could pull through. Even though my close friends can see how close I am to snapping, and how they told me that he wasn't right, I still held on hoping that he would change. So then, what made me break up with him?

He lied.

He had another girl. And I found out when the girl posted on his' wall and I somehow stalk the girl (Come on, all girls who love their boyfriend do this). Her name was Lora (short form). I confronted her because I didn't want things to end and I wanted her to back out or stop whatever she is doing to get kaiwen. And then I confronted Kaiwen. Guess what he told me?
"Lora is just my friend. Stop being fucking paranoid."
"I'm tired of this relationship"
So after a few days of ranting at him, telling him to just go ahead and die and to just fucking leave me alone. I decided to end it and told him I couldn't take it anymore. I'm ending things up between us because there wasn't trust. Around this time, I started to talk to Jovin. He became my best friend because I could confide in him about everything and we naturally clicked like as if I known him for forever. I admit I hurt myself. I was foolish enough to self mutilate myself and probably cause a lot of worry to my poly friends. I picked up smoking (I won't deny that but I have quit) and I just generally wanted to die.

However, Jovin didn't gave up on me and well, he was there for me throughout the whole night when I wanted to just kill myself (we were skyping) and yes, I felt happy. And for awhile I forgotten that Kaiwen existed. Jovin cheered me up by doing crazy things. He make sure he rushed home whenever I felt depressed and needed some cheering up (He dressed up in penguin suits just to make me laugh). We started to become really close. That's when everything started going wrong.

Kaiwen wanted me back. And I refused. And he still continued on with his childish ways of manipulating the feelings I had for him to make me feel guilty. Generally, I felt mindfucked. I met Jovin for the first time because I seriously felt so confused and I needed someone to hear me out. (I feel better confiding to a guy cause guys have lesser dramas and they aren't as quick to judge as girls).

Then I went overseas and Kaiwen tweeted, whatsapp and vibered me everyday to try to win me back but I rather talk to Jovin. And throughout the trip, I was thinking. When I was back in Singapore, the first person I SMS-ed was Jovin. It wasn't Kaiwen. In my heart, I knew I had opened myself totally to Jovin. He was like a best friend and a family member to me. I won't elaborate how awesome he is but yea. He saved my life. He stopped me from just going back to the person I was two years before (I used to be depressed. Always wanting to end my life and always bursting into tears in the middle of lunch).

Kaiwen met me soon after I was back from Malaysia. Saying he needed to say sorry for the pain he caused me and to accept him was my choice. So I met him and hear him out. He passed me a bouquet of flowers. I admit my heart was glad but I couldn't find love for him. Around that time, Jovin ignored me because he thought we were too close and I still have not totally broken contact with Kaiwen. I cried then because I really like/love him. To me, it felt as if I lost my best friend and a brother and someone special to me. I felt so lost suddenly and I skipped meals *again*. When Kaiwen knew about Jovin, he was more determined to win me back.

Spamming SMS, making long videos, getting all his friends to sms me *my phone bill burst then, thanks bastard -.- * And generally making himself out to be the victim while all his friends who didn't know the whole story thought he was perfect. 

What about Lora? Well, Kaiwen ended things between them both and he even got her to SMS me.
After a whole lot of bullshit, everyday being traumatised. Everyday being made to remember the happy times between me and kaiwen (there weren't many). I decided that I made my choice clear. I wanted to be with Jovin because I was happier. I could see a future with him. And because, I found the smile I lost when I got together with Kaiwen.

I never did regret my decision. I admit I was cruel to Kaiwen but I wanted him to back off and leave me alone and not use "I never eat for 4 days alr" as an excuse for me to be with him. I admit I was even more cruel to Jovin for making him fight for a girl he barely knew. For him to suffer the heart ache and pain of seeing the girl he like, being in a dilemma to choose who she should be with. Here was my dilemma then.
Kaiwen not eating and threatening to die and commit suicide (obligation to keep him alive) VS. The guy I love being in pain

I chose to be with Jovin.
And he went back to Lora.

And here, I shall conclude my lengthy post.
I'm not here to flaunt how awesome my boyfriend is or how I wish I knew him earlier etc.
I'm not here to say that its generally all his fault or to clear the misunderstanding some of his friends have towards me. Nor am I, not over him, etc bullshit.
I'm here to pinpoint how "awesome" you think the guy you're defending is. 
How much hurt he caused me? You'll never know. And to his friends, you want me to go back to him? To go back to a guy who knew only how to hurt me? Fat hope.

To Lora, as a girl I sympathize and feel sorry for you. I am not out to ruin the two of you but I just wanted you to know that he is like this. And maybe he changed? But to me, this is the kind of emotional trauma he can inflict to you. 

And one more thing, he send me this while he lost me back: "Just come back will you?There are no feelings towards her (Lora)". 
 I replied "You have her stop all this. It's not fair to her"
He replied "Does it really matters?"

And he used to tell me this "She's just a toy to me. Someone to keep me entertain and when I don't need her, I can throw her away"

Good luck girl, you'll need it.

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