Wednesday, 11 July 2012

#149; Who am I now?

I was brought up to obey my parents and my life was planned for me even before I could have aspirations. Although, it may sound harsh, but it was fine for me as I understood that my dad had expectations for me, the eldest daughter.٩(•౪•٩)

I studied well and gotten results that could easily get me a place in a good secondary school of my choice. Unfortunately, I screwed up my PSLE (stress always make me sick) and I ended up in a neighborhood secondary school. As a kid, I felt inferior about the way I look. I was awkwardly tall for my age and towered over everyone. (๑◕︵◕๑)

It was even worse because, I'm very shy and for the first few weeks of school, I often ate alone. As time progresses, I was pressured to do something about my appearance. All my seniors were so very pretty. So I straightened my hair and although I was considered quite slim for my age, I dieted. I often skip lunch and recess and manage to bring my weight down to a 55 kg. I was still upset because I look "Big" when I was just "Tall". I stopped dieting when I fainted one day during CCA ◝₍ᴑ̑ДO͝₎◞

I also had a serious attitude problem. I always manage to find trouble with anyone and I resorted to self mutilation in order to cope with all the pent up frustrations and sadness that was ruining my life. I admit I was a promiscuous girl, often changing boyfriends as if they were nothing. But I am pure, I still have the morales that sexual activity of any sort were meant for after marriage enjoyment. Secondary three, was the year when I felt, I was almost to the point of no return. By then, I had 15 boyfriends, used a profanity in every sentence and my results were so terrible that my teacher gave up on me. I picked up smoking and ran away from home. I was still mutilating myself, often going to school with cuts and bruises all over my arms. I was ruining myself, yet I felt I couldn't do anything about it.

The turning point came, when I realize how stupid I was, to hurt the ones who care for me the most. I bucked up. Cleaned up my act and changed for the better. I quit smoking, stopped using swear words and stopped hurting myself. I made new friends. Friends who stood by me and didn't judge me even though I was such a bad-ass in the past. (。☌ᴗ☌。)

With the help of my friends and teachers, I manage to pull my all my grades and get into poly. But gone, was all the confidence that I had before. I clung on like an idiot to a person who doesn't love me because I wanted to feel love and because I thought that person truly did love me.
I stopped being outgoing because I wasn't allowed to (by that person) and I was just quiet, reserved and unnoticeable. I didn't have any friends in the first few weeks of poly.

Then chubby cheeks came into my life, I felt happier. So much more happier an I gain more confidence. I don't know why, but I feel that I'm much more "noisy" than before. Bickering with him, have me an edge of "guailan" that made me quick to retort and able to protect myself from some harsh words from haters.

I'm not afraid to say that I had a bad past. I'm not afraid to admit all my mistakes. But I like the person I am now. Someone who is childish, yet capable of protecting myself. Someone who is still awkwardly tall and quiet but capable of making friends. (•ॢ◡-ॢ)
I'm proud of who I am now and I want to improve myself for the better.

I guess that's all for now, I'm sleepy!
*le abrupt ending*
*le long picture from a past advertorial*

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