Tuesday, 12 March 2013

#231; Who I really am - Part 1

This is gonna be one of those long series of posts, I can tell because I am going to take a hell long of a time to type this. And if you aren't one to read long windy post, you may wish to skip this one! I thought I wanted to blog about who I thought I am and the mistakes that made me who I am today. I would also like to unload a few things I have alway kept to myself in these series of post that I am going to put up. I know throughout the whole lifetime of this blog, I have been blogging bits and pieces of the life I am leading but I try to deviate from my personal life by blogging mostly about product reviews or advertorials. 

So let's start this off with a sensitive topic, the perfect body.

I had insecurity issues when I was in Primary school. Because I went swimming a lot, I was tanned and had really damaged hair. I felt ugly and I was pretty sure I was ugly. No guys liked me and even though I hanged out with the more popular girls in the school, I was still an ugly duckling amidst them. My crush treated me like a "brother" and never even once looked at me as a girl. You see, I wore bermudas and tees, had really short hair and geeky spectacles. 

Would anyone date someone like that? 

One thing that haunts me till this day, was someone mistaking me for a maid. His words would always reverberate in my mind and make me feel insecure throughout my whole primary school life. And instead of trying to change myself, I immerse in my studies with the fervent hope that someone would actually fall in love with a smart girl, instead of a pretty one just like the protagonist in a chick flick. And yes, I was smart. I scored the top ten in school and the top  3 in my class. But that didn't take away the pain of being ugly and plain like I was. 

Then I enrolled into Secondary school. Being born with a larger bone structure, I constantly envy other girls who were petite and perfect in almost every aspect. I was quiet and withdrawn for the better part of the first year in my new school because all my seniors were so pretty and all the other girls my age were the envy of me. At this time, I straightened my hair and dressed better. I started to join sleazy social networking sites such as Tagged and went through boyfriends and flings like they were nothing to me. Every time a guy told me that I was pretty, I felt flattered. I guess I was trying to prove that me, the ugly looking girl from Primary school who always had a book in her hands, could also get a boyfriend. 

When I was in Secondary two, I was still as insecure as ever. But in it, came a twist. I decided that if I couldn't be petite like the other girls were, I could be slim. So I constantly starve myself, choosing to skipped meals and surviving on a diet of biscuit and water. Or else, I would hardly eat. I became anorexic. After awhile, I lost 5kg and became 55kg, 1.72m in height. The perfect body size that I wish I still had. However, along with the short-lived happiness, came hunger and the side effects of living a life like this. I started to have hair loss and fell ill frequently. I felt myself become pale and sickly and even a little stupid. I have stopped dieting since and have stuck to eating regular meals.

Secondary three wasn't any better. I self-harmed, picked up smoking and ran away from home. But that is for another post. All in all, I was bad. I wanted to be bad. I wanted to be out of control because I blamed my parents and their control over me, for causing me to be the way I am. I quarreled with my mum the most because she can be very direct when it comes to telling me about the way I looked. 

When I was in Secondary four, I cleaned up my act. Quitted smoking, tried to stop cutting myself and settled down in relationships. However, I still had issues about the perfect body size that I wish to attain so I turned to slimming pills. It did help for awhile, but I was constantly pale and look sickly. And the weight gain after I have stopped taking the pills was too much to handle. 

Till today, I'm trying my best to grasp being the way I am. Being chubby cute, in my own terms. I now come to understand that everyone is unique in their own way and that's what makes everyone so special. Yes, I may be fat to some, I may be slim to others but heck it. As long as I am happy being the way I am, then so be it. I have been through shit loads because of my insecurities about the perfect body size and I don't wish to go through it again. 

Because you can try to change the way you look, but you can never please everyone.

And I know a lot of slim girls out there always complain that they have issues about their body size and wail to the world that they look like whales. 
Well, look at me. You aren't making me feel any better. So seriously, stop that shit k. 

To those girls who are being taunted about their body size or feel insecure, don't do what I have done. It wouldn't work. Although sometimes, the taunting gets so bad that you feel suicidal, always remember that you are perfect in your own way and you will always find someone to hear you out (you can drop me an email :D).

I hope you enjoy this little slice of my life and do leave me a comment if you have ever grapple with such issues. 

Much Love,
Amanda Misaki Sea

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