Friday, 12 April 2013

#241; Who I am - Part 2

I realized that it has been awhile since I have blogged about something personal and I thought it would be a good time to complete my personal story. Part 1 has received quite a lot of responses and I would like to thank everyone who left comments, those really do cheer me up and will be a source of encouragement for me when I am down.

I'm blogging about this topic, not because I want to be popular and gain sympathy from whoever does chance upon my blog. But I just want to take this chance to connect with anyone who went through something similar and I hope that this blog post and this blog will give them comfort in the fact that, if I could get through those bad times, so can they.

Perhaps it was the fact that I constantly struggle to try to feel "perfect", but I took to ways to "cope" with the pain that I was always inadequate in so many ways. Maybe it was because it was the "in" thing to harm yourself, so I tried it out too. I remember the first time I did it, I was so frightened as I didn't want to cut too deep and I was afraid of the pain. I used a pair of half blunted scissors and tried to cut myself. Guess what I've got?

Yea, just red and sore welts that didn't bleed but make me look like a complete retard.

I used a pen knife after that but only gotten courage to make tiny paper cut like wounds on my arm. The wound bled but that was apparently enough pain and blood to make myself happy. Plus, it gave me false strength to become someone that I swear I would never be. I started inflicting more wounds to the point that I had to wear a cardigan whenever I was in school or at home but I never had the courage to cut deeper because a part of me was still sane enough to know that what I was doing was a tad spastic.

I started making friends with the wrong company, often mixing with people that were much older than me and who only wanted to get in my pants. And from then on, things got worse. Because of my mood swings, I constantly fought with my mum to the point that she would hit me with a bamboo cane or throw knifes at me (HELL YEAH ASIAN PARENTS). It gotten to a point that communication between us broke down completely. A day wouldn't pass without me crying myself to sleep and us quarreling over matters so trivial.

I felt like I was despised in school and even at home and often talked to "friends" from other schools through the web. Friends they were, they encouraged me to pick up smoking and I had my first puff at 14. I hated the smell and the taste of acrid smoke in my lungs but I wanted to be accepted and liked. My then boyfriend even bought me a pack of cigs which I always kept in my bag, but never did managed to finish.

Soon after, things got worse. My mum found out about me self-harming and she threatened to send me to a girls home. (Like seriously, what the... I mean, if you find out that your daughter is self-harming shouldn't you talk to her and find out what's wrong?) And to top it off, she found my pack of squashed cigarettes too. I cleaned up my act and stop smoking but couldn't stop myself from hurting myself now and then. But I was much more careful than ever to cover up.

The relationship between my mum and me was still at a point where we couldn't stand the sight of each other and one day, I couldn't take it. I up and left my house. I headed to a "friend" estate. Friend he was, he couldn't even sit beside me for the whole night and left me sleeping at the void deck. I know now that I was lucky, I wasn't molested or raped plus the police didn't make their nightly rounds at his estate that night. I went home after one night because I couldn't stand the fact that my dad was worried about me (my dad was my confidante at my lowest moment).

Reality hit me when I received my end of year results. I had a low attendance because I was always skipping school. Soon after, I had a severe case of bronchitis. Finally, it was the graduating year and I made a promise to myself to change for the better.

Change was never easy but I made it through the lowest point in my life. The point of me sharing my story with the World, is because I wanted to share and hope that somewhere out there, I could make a difference in someone life. Self harming is never a viable option. Neither is suicide. Yes, your life may appear bleak at this moment and you may feel like everyone despise your existence, but that's never true. There is always someone who would always love and care for you. I know I might come across as preachy and naggy but trust me, 5 to 10 years down the road, you will look back on the times and difficulties that you face and you would be like...

There's always tougher obstacles in life, each more difficult than the other but that's just life. And if you ever need a helping hand or someone to listen to you, always know that you can find it in me. I will be your personal Aunt agony :)

Oh, and for the record, my mum and I are now so close that we are like best friends. I stopped smoking completely (ok, sometimes I take a stick but I honestly don't feel the compulsion to smoke). I stopped inflicting cuts on myself and I learn to live a life that isn't perfect, but worth living to the fullest. But most importantly, I learn to deal with whatever obstacles may come my way, and wake up everyday with a smile on my face.

Much Love,
Amanda Misaki Sea

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