Monday, 28 April 2014

#316; Abusive or not

I recently had a friend who was encountering an abusive relationship and I thought about my experiences with one. So I thought I shared my thoughts and what to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. Of course I know my thoughts aren't the whole deal but I hope it serves as a guideline to what you readers might encounter.

What is an abusive relationship?
An abusive relationship doesn't have to cause you physical harm. Although it is obvious that if you get hurt by your partner, you are in an abusive relationship that will progressively get worse. To me, you are already in an abusive relationship if you are being verbally abused or being manipulated to do things that you do not wish to do.

I have been called names. Names that I don't deserve to hear as a women and I was stupid enough to let myself go through it all. I was thoroughly degraded and I allowed myself to be. And no women should allow themselves to be insulted. You don't deserve that. You deserve to be called beautiful and not a "slut". You deserve to be appreciated and not being called a "bitch".

I have also been in relationships where I have being manipulated to do things I do not want to. In a sense, I was mindfucked. Let's call him X shall we.

X was manipulative. A liar. A cheater. And I fell for him. I knew he wasn't anything good. And he will never be when he forbids me to stay in contact with my close guy friends. In fact, he didn't allow me to have any contact with any friends. Everytime I wanted to leave X, he would make up some sob story and say some sympathetic things that will make myself feel guilty and I would stay. It wasn't just cause I loved him. I just felt obliged to do it. And the more I stayed around and get manipulated by X, the more unhappy I grew. It isn't what I want. It will never be. And some inexplicable part of me knew it was wrong, knew I had to let go and be strong to leave. But yet, I was tied down by his words. His manipulative and cunning words that twist my thoughts and make me feel like I was always in the wrong, even when I knew I wasn't.

What to do if you are in one?
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, leave immediately.
If he is abusing you physically, please don't subject yourself to that degree of degradation. I ain't no feminist but I know that when a guy hits a woman, it is morally wrong and he is a sick and depraved person that does not deserve any of your love.

If he is abusing you verbally, let him know that you do not like it. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Set the boundaries clear and if he still does not listen to you and continues with it. Leave him. Because the name calling will eventually lead to manipulation and eventually, physical abuse. Allowing him to call you such names and terms will only make him think that it is okay and that you are okay with it. He will think of more ways to abuse you verbally and eventually, you will be manipulated to do his bidding.

Sometimes, it is best for you to confide in a friend about what is going on in your relationship. That way, she or he can provide you with a fresh perspective and help you out in your time of need. A relationship is meant for both party to nurture and grow together. If you are going to use and manipulate the emotions that someone has for you, don't go into a relationship. Because you don't deserve one.

How do I avoid it?
It is often difficult to tell if your significant others are abusive. Some shows the tell tale signs in the first few months of the relationship. He abuses and he uses you. 

Some builds up your trust and make you fall for him further, before he shows his true colors. And these are the guys who are like parasites. They will leech off you and take whatever they can from you. Use you, abuse you and then dump you as soon as you have no value to them. 

If you are in a relationship that seems to be going the wrong way and defies who you are as a person, leave him immediately. Don't stay around further hoping he will change. He will only change on his own. When he realizes that there is no one left to do his bidding and there is no one left for him to "rely" on.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are ugly because you are you. And you are beautiful.
Don't ever let anyone degrade you because you are unique in your own way and no one can tell you otherwise.

Find someone who will love you and appreciate you. Who will love you in each waking moment and will never ever call you names, never ever use you and make you do things that you don't like to do.

Always love yourself.
Amanda Misaki Sea


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