Thursday, 29 January 2015

#368; You are what makes you happy

I am having an eye infection and so I can't do more makeup reviews. So while waiting for it to clear up, I decided to post a personal post. 

I guess for the past few months, I have been grasping onto straws, trying to be happy for everyone and it just gets tiring after awhile. It doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with Chubby Cheeks but more of a very personal family matter. Let's just say that all is not as it seems.

I try not to post anything sad on this space because it is one of those things that I thought I would keep close to me. But the truth is that I don't have anyone close to me to confide in. I said I was busy and didn't get to post much but the truth is I am getting more tired as the day passes.

I am trying not to let it affect me too much. I know all these talk about how you only live once and so you should live and let live. But sometimes, how can you?
Do you ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulder and all you can do is carry it as far as you can? I have to be strong for everyone but I feel like no one around me can be strong enough to help share my burden. 

Besides the personal matter, I am also battling with myself. My insecurities. 
It doesn't help that the people around me are constantly criticizing me. I know I can never be good enough but I don't get why they can't see that I am trying my best. Maybe compared to others, I am good enough but the people I want to impress are the one putting me down. 
Yes, I am never good enough, never smart enough, never skinny enough to make you proud. I constantly have to be forced to do the things that will make you proud. I can't pursue what I love best because it is wrong in your eyes. A career path that holds no future. 

This isn't my life, it's yours to control. 

How I wish I have the courage to stand up for myself. 

At the end of the day, my words hold no power. 
And perhaps, I feel better after saying this out. 

"I don't wanna just be fine. I don't wanna keep on holding, forget what I had in mind."

I will be happy. I have to be. Because I am what makes me happy at the end of the day. 
You can go ahead and run my life. You can go ahead and make my life a misery.
But I will come out stronger and I will do the things I love when I finally get out of this. 

Love,
Amanda Misaki Sea



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